Dear Scientologist … Did you know that David Miscavige, the leader of Scientology, ordered his minions to torture Debbie Cook while she was kidnapped and held against her will at The Hole, one of the Scientology prison camps in Hemet just outside Los Angeles? The Hole is a prison on the compound of the International headquarters of Scientology. Se video from Debbie’s court testimony below.

Debbie Cook was a high ranking executive, the captain of Flag Service Organization, the “Mecca” of Scientology for 17 years. She had signed a billion year contract to serve Scientology for the rest of her life – and every lifetime to come. She was part of the Sea Org, the clergy of Scientology, for almost 30 years until she escaped for good.

You might recognize Debbie from the Scientology Source Magazines:

Hell broke loose after Debbie Cook sent out a New Year email to 12,000 Scientologists where she condemned church leader David Miscavige for turning Scientology into more than just a money making machine. From Debbie’s Facebook wall:

Click to read her email (PDF):

Over 100 Scientology executives in prison!
Four weeks after Debbie Cook sent out her email the Church of Scientology sued her for “breaking the gag-order” she was forced to sign when she left the Sea Org. The parties later settled. This video contains Debbie’s testimony under oath in a Court of Law where she reveals the life inside The Hole where over 100 church executives are incarcerated:

So, isn’t it about time to leave this place?
No church or religion owns your eternity. Your eternity belongs to you. There’s no copyright or patent on your life, your dreams, your well-being and your future. ♥

Photos taken by iPhone4. Contrast and color adjustment done in Photoshop Elements.

Mine tanker omkring dette:
Ikke overraskende, sett i lyset av at Nederland både legaliserer narkotika og selger kvinner åpenlyst og lovlig som om de var koteletter i en kjøttdisk.

Red Light District, Amsterdam (StopTheTraffik.org) :

Det som kanskje er overraskende er at det har tatt Scientologikirken så mange år å bli fritatt fra skatt i nettopp et slikt “løsluppent” land, spesielt med tanke på Scientologikirkens omfattende bruk av manipulering og lobbyvirksomhet.

Scientologikirken – en veldedig organisasjon?
Scientologikirken er en ulv i fåreklær som har veldig lite med UFO-er og galaktiske hærførere å gjøre slik det ofte fremstilles på nettet. Scientologikirken ER en pengemaskin som svindler “kundene” sine ved å selge dem livsforbedringskurs i vakre bygninger rundt om i verden. Begynnerkursene er rimelige og man får ofte stort utbytte av disse. De kan virkelig forbedre livet til folk, derav navnet. Bra sosiale programmer har Scientologikirken også – de hjelper narkomane og de hjelper folk til å studere bedre.

Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre, Los Angeles, USA:

Dette er jo ikke hjernevask, tenker man. Men det er her bordet fanger. Plutselig hungrer man etter mer visdom, flere kurs og åndelig utvikling. Dette var jo så bra at det er klart man ønsker å nå hele veien til toppen. År etter år studerer man verker forfattet av én mann – ikke rart tankesettet blir snevert med tiden. Det blir dyrere og dyrere jo lenger opp i systemet man kommer, mens håpet om åndelig frihet blir mindre og mindre. Og etterhvert som det positive utbyttet ikke lenger overskygger alt det negative man opplever – og man er tom for unnskyldninger og bortforklaringer på hvorfor man ikke har oppnådd det man ble lovet og som man hadde drømt om, ønsket seg, trodd og håpet på – ja, da ender man opp forvirret, skuffet, alene, ruinert og isolert fra den virkelige verden.

Det er kun pengene dine Scientologikirken er ute etter. DU betyr ingenting. 

Det sitter en maktsyk leder, David Miscavige, på toppen og håver inn penger, mens han lever et luksusliv i sus og dus med privatfly, damer og dyr skotsk whisky – på din regning! Og når han finner det for godt banker han undersåttene sine så blodet spruter.

Innleide privatdetektiver
Medlemmenes donasjoner, som Scientologikirken presser ut av dem på alle tenkelige vis og med metoder som knapt nok tåler dagens lys, går blant annet til å dekke dyre advokater som leier inn privatetterforskere som igjen leier lumske privatdetektiver (PIs) for å forfølge, ydmyke, forsøke psyke ut og gjøre livet til et sant helvete 24 timer i døgnet for scientologer som forlater bevegelsen. Noen kritikere har blitt forfulgt i mange år! Det går hardest ut over dem som har jobbet nærmest ledelsen og som dermed vet mest. De skal skremmes til å tie om det de har observert og erfart på innsiden. Heldigvis er det noen som ikke lar seg skremme og som står frem med sine historier.

Her kan du se forfølgelse av tre nylige avhoppere i USA:

Prøv å Google “Scientology”. Resultat: Skrekkhistorier om tortur, trusler, svindel, selvmord og mistenkelige dødsfall. Scientologer får ikke lov å se, høre eller lese kritikk om Scientologikirken. Hvorfor? De er jo livredde for at medlemmene skal finne ut hva som foregår bak kulissene og stikke av. Slik jeg gjorde etter 10 år.

Abusive relationships, mind-controlling cults, the sudden loss of loved ones, accidents, medical operations, childhood neglect, rape and sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse, assault, war, natural disasters, kidnapping, terrorist attacks, the list goes on.

I hope this article and my story can inspire you or someone you know to get the help you, he or she deserves.

FIRST SOME FACTS ABOUT PTSD

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe condition that may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, serious injury or the threat of death. The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyperarousal (high levels of anxiety) continue for more than a month after the traumatic event.

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (C-PTSD) also known as “multiple interrelated post traumatic stress disorder” or Developmental Trauma Disorder is a psychological injury that results from protracted exposure to prolonged social and/or interpersonal trauma in the context of either captivity or entrapment (a situation lacking a viable escape route for the victim), which results in the lack or loss of control, helplessness, and deformations of identity and sense of self. C-PTSD is distinct from, but similar to, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

The difference between PTSD and a normal response to trauma
The traumatic events that lead to post-traumatic stress disorder are usually so overwhelming and frightening that they would upset anyone. Following a traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. When your sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected, or numb. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. These are normal reactions to abnormal events.

For most people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days or even weeks, but they gradually lift. But if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse.

Click the tables for further PTSD symptoms, causes and self-help tips.

HEALING THROUGH UNDERSTANDING
After I left both the cult (Church of Scientology) and the sociopathic relationship, I isolated myself trying to avoid social situations. Not that I feared people but I knew I would break down crying if they asked me: Hi, how are you doing? I often went out among people but I didn’t want to socialize with them. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. For example I suddenly burst out crying if someone passing me nearby raised his voice. It reminded me of getting yelled at. Instinctively I covered myself with an invisible shield to protect myself from external influences. Though my biggest “enemy” was my own thoughts. I was gradually becoming closed and emotionally numb. I was just floating around as days went by.

I tried not getting exposed to my own mind.
Memories, pain, confusion. I needed to straighten things out for myself. I read many articles and books covering the topics of my worries. That helped a lot. And I reached a time where I had to open up my own box of traumatic memories.

During that healing process I started to feel worse. Both emotionally and physically. I had burning pain in my muscles and joints. I spent most of the time in bed – for months. Apathy, anger, grief. The entire range of emotions. A good sign – at least I had opened up.

I’ve been coping with PTSD or C-PTSD since some 8 years now without seeking professional help. Because I couldn’t! I could not seek professional help outside Scientology when I was part of that cult. Even though I desperately wanted. Then I would have risked getting expelled, frowned upon, being humiliated, losing my job and my friends. And it was situations in the church that prompted my PTSD condition in the first place, a condition that over the years grew worse and worse. Especially after I was introduced to a Scientologist sociopath I ended up spending over 5 years together with before I managed to escape it all. I suffered alone for too many years.

Seek help! You don’t have to suffer alone
You deserve to be understood. You deserve to be helped.
I’ve gotten lots of helpful advice at Dixi, a resource center for rape and sexual assault victims here in Oslo, Norway. There are lots of different resources out there handling different traumas. Contact your nearest resource center and get help with your trauma.

Ask your doctor if he or she can refer you to a professional therapist who is experienced with treating PTSD. I just did (finally!) and I’m waiting for the approval.

I still sense fear in my stomach whenever my phone rings or an SMS beeps in. And I still find myself hiding when someone unexpectedly knocks on our door. It used to be much worse. Things have improved a lot. I can now walk out getting the mail without feeling terror most of the times. In the past I was even terrified watching others opening their mail. It was that bad. In periods I didn’t answer my phone at all even when I recognized the numbers of friends and family. My email inbox counted some 600 unopened emails (not spam). I was too afraid someone would give me bad news. I was overwhelmed by life to that degree that one more piece of bad news and I would die straight of shock.

Clear your mind
My love, Geir Isene, has helped me tremendously to sort out my worries and unfinished tasks and we have put the items down on paper(s). Ready to be tackled one by one. Simple and powerful. Read his successful approach A method of helping another and help yourself or others.

And I realized that most of the things I worried about did not happen. Some did in fact happen, but most of them didn’t. So lots of waste of worries there. Geir helped me sending out emails concerning the most urgent items on my list. In that way I had thrown away the ball and bought myself time to handle the items. When you are overwhelmed you cannot handle anything, you don’t see any solutions and you’re trapped in a negative pattern.

To buy myself time to handle one thing at a time was the biggest relief! 

Re-connect and re-engage
I’m still working on going more out and socialize. I still prefer to stay at home. I have always enjoyed spending time alone. I’m a great company to myself ha ha. But it is different spending time alone enjoying reading books, playing music, dancing, or just relax, another is staying at home worrying without no other output than worry.

Dr. Megan McElheran talks about the importance of re-connection and re-engaging with others in the process of PTSD recovery at this 2011 TEDxTalk. I find her speech much helpful and profound. Those 16 minutes of watching her speech is well spent:

Are you helping a loved one with PTSD?
Don’t take the symptoms of PTSD personally. Common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder include emotional numbness, anger, and withdrawal. If your loved one seems distant, irritable, or closed off, remember that this may not have anything to do with you or your relationship.

I took back my life
I have taken back control of my life by writing. And by confronting the oppressors. I have examined the truth of what has happened to me – details that were buried deep.

After I watched the story of the Norwegian runner and rape survivor, Monika Korra, I got inspired and I searched the Internet for help. I found the Dixi resource center and got lot of helpful advice there. I’m grateful I found Monika’s story. She sparked a desire in me to move forward and regain control. And I begun speaking out.

Going public with my thoughts and sharing my experiences – with the sole intention of helping myself and others overcome their trauma and feeling less ashamed – has played the most vital part in my recovery process. 

Monika Korra wanted to be a role model for other victims of sexual assault. She wanted other women to speak out. According to the U.S. Department of Justice, 74 percent of all rapes go unreported, and 15 of every 16 rapists go free. Monika wants to help change that. Please read and watch her story:

I was always strong. Now I’m stronger.

Late nights I entered different forums on the Internet talking to other victims of sociopaths while my sociopath was sleeping. I got lots of helpful advice, love and understanding.

DO NOT GET FOOLED BY THEIR INITIAL CHARM
Today I revisited one of those forums where a friend of mine just posted a link to an article The Gray Rock method of dealing with psychopaths, here’s an excerpt:

When dealing with malignant narcissists, psychopaths, sociopaths, borderlines, drama queens, stalkers and other emotional vampires, it’s commonly advised that no response is the best response to unwanted attention. This is often true and No Contact (the avoidance of all communication) should be used whenever possible.

Furthermore, many of us have tried to end a relationship with a psychopath several times, only to take them back, each time. They turned on the pity ploy and the charm, and because we didn’t understand that this is what a psychopath does, we fell for their promises to change. They know all of our emotional hooks. For them, it’s easy and fun to lure us back by appealing to our emotions. But a psychopath can’t change. In fact, when you leave a psychopath, he becomes determined to punish you even more severely for thinking you could be autonomous.

A psychopath is an addict. He is addicted to power. His power is acquired by gaining access to our emotions. He is keenly aware of this and needs to constantly test to make sure we are still under his control.

Your emotional responses are his food of choice, but they aren’t the only things he wants.

He envies everything pretty, shiny and sparkly that you have and he wants whatever you value. You must hide anything that he will notice and envy.

The reason he wants to take these things from you, is not necessarily because he wants them for himself, it’s because he wants to see the emotions on your face when you lose them. He wants the power trip associated with being the one who took them from you.

(*Featured top photo: Patrick Bateman from the film American Psycho)

WARNING: YOU WILL LOSE EVERYTHING
I lost so much during that relationship it’s hard to count. I was promised all the time he would help me out while I was living in complete apathy. Not financially, but help me with things like making phone calls that I had a hard time to confront, help me open letters and so on. Sometimes I wished he could just sit next to me while I opened a letter. I didn’t ask for much. Of course none happened. He and the church combined broke me down to a level where I couldn’t open my mail for four years! I trusted him. And he betrayed me utterly. I had money in my bank account to cover my bills but I was so beaten down I couldn’t even open my online banking to pay them. One big mess.

THE COST OF BEING CONNECTED TO A SOCIOPATH WAS BRUTAL!
I lost two apartments, my car, all my musical instruments, my trumpet, my clarinet, my classical guitar, my precious cornet I got for my 10 years birthday, my violin, my camera, my camera equipment, my projector, etc. Any value I had was taken away. And I had no clue it happened. Taking away the tools of an artist and you kill the artist. All the while he pretended to be sorry.

Even my E-meter (a very expensive Scientology counselling tool) was taken away from me and was sold for nothing at an auction as a “lie detector”. Funny now that I look back.

These are just physical things anyway and can be replaced. But some items have huge sentimental value to me and I have cried my share of tears for the losses.

Especially the loss of my Yamaha Cornet. I was so proud when my father gave it to me. My first own instrument. He played the trumpet as well when he was a kid. And I planned to give this Cornet to my future kids. I had it for 25 years, now it’s gone. Sold at an auction for nothing. My father died of cancer last year, this was a precious gift and memory of him. I would do much to get it back.

STAY CLEAR OF SOCIOPATHS AND CULTS
My sociopath often joked about how he had drowned his ex-girlfriends in the pond outside his house and buried them in his basement. Only a sick person is making such “jokes”.

More on his craziness in this article: A deadly cocktail: Scientologi, Psykopati og Ekstremisme. (It’s written in Norwegian, use Google Translate.) The fact that the Church of Scientology is protecting monsters like that again proves they are nothing but a cult.

I was solvent and successful with a promising education and career but I left with nothing but huge debts and a broken soul.

SHARE THIS KNOWLEDGE
I pray and hope people will educate themselves and avoid getting abused and deceived by emotional vampires and manipulative cults. Please share this article if you know anyone who this information might be of help. Knowledge is the first step out.

Here are some educational videos. Visit the website of Donna Andersen, LoveFraud.com, for further resources:

One of the most important warning signs that you may be involved with a sociopath: They always blames other people for their problems.

Most people assume that a sociopath is a serial killer, a murderer, or at least violent. After all, that’s what we hear on television – on crime shows, reality shows and even news programs. The truth: Not all sociopaths are violent, and most of them never kill anyone.

But they kill your soul.

Konstant redsel. Hvor går grensene, hva er han egentlig i stand til å finne på? Han er tross alt voldsdømt og har sittet i fengsel. Hva blir det neste?

Han fleiper ofte med at han har druknet tidligere kjærester (og svigermødre) i det bunnløse tjernet utenfor huset og deretter muret dem inne i hjørnet av kjelleren.

I hjørnet av kjelleren er det et mindre rom som er tilmuret. Jeg har stått utenfor og lurt på hva som befinner seg på innsiden. Kanskje bare et tilfluktsrom fra krigen eller noe. Enda en skremselstaktikk for å holde meg fast i sitt maktsyke spill. (Utdrag fra min dagbok, april 2012)

Dette er et glimt inn i hverdagen min hvor jeg i over 5 år var sammen med en psykopat. Blander man scientologi med psykopati får det svært alvorlige konsekvenser. En dødelig cocktail med hjernevask og ondskap.

Dette er en syk mann. En mann Scientologikirken i København har gått god for og beskyttet i årevis. En mann de mente var perfekt og suksessfull. Og som de håpet de kunne melke for penger og andre fordeler. Selvsagt er det meg det må være noe galt med som ikke lykkes med dette fantastiske funnet av en mann. Hvor mange ganger har jeg ikke bedt om hjelp. I stedet ble jeg straffet, truet, ydmyket og utnyttet på det groveste. Jeg har betalt min pris.

Når det ble kjent at jeg hadde funnet en ny kjæreste (Geir Isene), en som kirken har bannlyst fordi han har kritisert dem offentlig, ja, da skulle jeg bannlyses også. En av mine tidligere scientolog-venner som er ansatt i Scientologikirken kontaktet min eks-samboer like etterpå og forteller han at han skal prise seg lykkelig for at vi ikke fikk barn sammen, for nå kan de virkelig se hvilket ondt menneske jeg er som har forlatt “gruppen”. Mitt sanne ansikt har vist seg for dem.

Scientologer er så ekstreme i sin tankegang at de får selv ekstremister til å blekne.

Here’s some tools to resist the manipulation mechanism. Be prepared:

• Don’t let their comments “stick”. Let them run off of you like water off a duck’s back.
• Agree. Each time the person gives you another reason or tries to attack you, agree with them. Agree with their comment (in whole or in part), or agree with their right to an opinion. “I can see why you might think that…”
• Rewind/repeat. Rewind the tape, as it were, and repeat your position.
• Keep holding your position, don’t give in! If you have decided you have decided.

Kassian demonstrates this by giving an everyday example:

Jane: ”Would you like to baby-sit tonight?”
Karen: ”No. I am tired and want to spend a quiet evening at home tonight.”
Jane: ”The kids sure enjoy having you as a babysitter.”
Karen: ”That’s great! But I just want to relax at home tonight.”
Jane: ”I don’t know if I can find another sitter on such short notice.”
Karen: ”That may be, but I just want to spend a quiet evening at home tonight.”
Jane: (getting agitated) “I really need to get out! Don’t you care?”
Karen: ”I can see that you want to go out tonight and I do care, but I am tired and want to spend a quiet evening at home.”
Jane: ”Some friend you are!”
Karen: ”I can see how you might feel irritated with me, but I just want to spend a quiet evening at home tonight.” “Ask me again some other time.”

Scientology’s skillful manipulation
When it comes to cults and other deceiving and manipulating groups or individuals, sociopaths, etc. you are pushed to the extreme. These cults, especially the Church of Scientology is highly trained and extremely skilled in deceiving its parishioners. Being strong and intelligent is not enough to defend yourself against them. They have the tools to get you and make you give in – whatever it takes.

I was in Scientology for 10 years so I know how devastating their methods are. Part of those years I was in a relationship with a sociopath from the same cult. I was lied to, deceived, manipulated and abused weekly for years. By being coerced to do things that are against your integrity can and will ruin your life, your belief in yourself and your self-respect. I had no clue what I entered into when I started my Scientology journey and what harmful effects it had on my life.

WARNING: The Church of Scientology goes after your kids because they know that kids are easier to manipulate than adults. Ex-Scientologist Lori Hodgson lost both her kids to Scientology and are not allowed to see or talk to them. Please watch her story:

In How to resist manipulation (Part 2), I will share some videos about how critical thinking can make you more resistant to manipulation. And how to practice critical thinking with your kids.

Stay clear. Stay strong. Never give in!

Wait a minute, think critically and be open-minded?

Now compare that to some teachings in Scientology where L. Ron Hubbard writes:

Critical thoughts: these are always only indicators that the person being checked has committed an overt (means done something unethical, criminal, etc.) against what he or she is criticizing. Critical thoughts, comments and attitude toward something indicate always a prior actual overt. (3 Feb. 1962)

Open mind: persons who “have an open mind” but no personal hopes or desires for auditing (means Scientology spiritual therapy) or knowingness (means true knowledge) should be ignored, as they really don’t have an open mind at all, but a lack of ability to decide about things and are seldom found to be very responsible and waste anyone’s efforts “to convince them”. (27 Oct. 1964)

In the autumn of 2012 I attended some philosophy lectures at the University of Oslo. During one of the lectures I had a realization that if I had studied this subject earlier in my life, I would not have been manipulated by the Church of Scientology to that degree that I was. I could barely keep my head above water.

Therefore I believe this article on How to resist manipulation (Part 1 and 2) will be one of the most important messages I’ll write here on my blog. Please teach yourself, your friends, your kids and family Critical Thinking.

In this 10 minutes TEDTalk Dr. Sara Goering of University of Washington, Seattle, gives us a powerful message on why we should teach philosophy and critical thinking to kids. Please listen to her speech. Those 10 minutes are well spent I tell you:

As children grow into teenagers, their critical thinking skills will help them make judgments independently of parents. The Church of Scientology knows that critical thinking in youth is not fully developed and therefore sees them as easy targets for recruitment. Because youth often lack knowledge and experience they can be tricked into signing billion years slave labor contracts in the Scientology clergy, the Sea Org.

Ex-Scientologist Lori Hodgson got both her kids taken away from her and now they are not allowed to have contact with their mother anymore. Her teenage son was forced to sign a $3,000,000 gag order to silence him. No lawyers, let alone his mother Lori were present. I include Lori’s story her to warn people to stay clear of this “church”:

You can find another video of Lori Hodgson in How to resist manipulation (Part 1).

Children and philosophy
To be good at thinking, children must believe that thinking is fun and want to be good at it. It’s like practicing football to become a better football player or practicing a musical instrument to become a better musician.

5 Ways to Help Kids Think Critically by PhD, Marilyn Price-Mitchell, founder of Roots of Action:

1. Invite them to BE CLEAR by asking for explanations and examples when they don’t understand something. Let children know it is okay to be confused and ask questions.
2. Urge kids to BE ACCURATE, to check to see if something is true by researching the facts.
3. Encourage children to BE RELEVANT by discussing other topics that are pertinent to the discussion or problem at hand. Help them stay on track by linking related and meaningful information to the question they are trying to answer or the topic they are learning about.
4. Support your child’s ability to BE LOGICAL. Help them see how things fit together.  Question how they came to their conclusions and whether their assumptions are correct.
5. Set expectations that your child BE FAIR. Promote empathy in children’s thinking processes. Make sure they consider others when drawing conclusions.

For those interested in practicing Critical Thinking with your kids you can get inspiration from watching videos by CriticalThinking.org:

To sum it up I found this simple model for Critical Thinking – the “KEC triangle”:

• Knowledge
• Experience
• Common Sense

Let’s stay strong. ♥

Dessverre er det svært vanlig at mennesker som har opplevd traumer plages av det samme marerittet som spilles om igjen og om igjen som hakk i en plate.

Drømmen min består av en rekke usammenhengende scener fra forskjellig steder i verden, men handlingen er alltid den samme:

Jeg har planlagt flukten i lang tid og nå har det endelig lykkes. Den beryktede sekten jeg flykter fra er kjent for å utføre tortur, voldtekter, drapsforsøk og drap maskert som selvmord. De har et eget internt etterretningsvesen kalt OAS (Operativ Avdeling for Sikkerhet). OAS overvåker og avhører regelmessig sektmedlemmene sine.

Avhørene samt sektens angiversystem der alle tyster på alle for å overleve, fanger opp enhver mistanke om en person som planlegger å flykte. Den mistenkte blir utsatt for voldsomme avhør, isoleres fra resten av medlemmene og bevoktes 24 timer i døgnet inntil vedkommende er brutt så langt ned at han eller hun straks innfinner seg med å følge sektens kommandoer igjen. Ved å bruke informasjon fra disse avhørene lykkes det svært ofte OAS å oppspore og kidnappe avhoppere og få dem tilbake i folden. Et evig mareritt kun få klarer å flykte fra.

I natt foregikk handlingen tilfeldigvis i Tyskland:

Først befinner jeg meg i et kjempehøyt bygg. Jeg spurter oppover branntrappene inne i bygningen, prøver å åpne flere dører. De er alle låste.

For hver etasje haler fienden innpå. Endelig en ulåst dør. Jeg smetter ut. Jeg står ute på et slags platå rett ut mot et stort atrium i noe som sikkert er 20. etasje. Det er kanskje ti meter over til den andre siden av dette ovale bygget. Jeg titter raskt utover det slitte hvitmalte gelenderet. Det er fryktelig langt ned.

Malingen har flasset av det tynne metallgelenderet og jeg har hvite små rustflak på hendene, som både er svette og lukter av jern. I det jeg beslutter meg for å løpe mot venstre og inn gjennom en dør litt lenger borte, oppdager jeg at platået der jeg står skråner bratt ned mot kanten og en bit av gelenderet mangler. Jeg sklir sakte nedover og utover mot kanten. Jeg forsøker å lange ut etter dørhåndtaket, men jeg mister fotfestet. Det er som å ha olje under føttene. Hele kroppen faller ned på gulvet og jeg fortsetter å skli på ryggen ned mot avgrunnen. Den ene foten min får feste på stolpen ved åpningen. Ett feiltrinn og jeg er ferdig.

Jeg får samlet nok krefter til å sparke i fra, og får akkurat tak i dørterskelen med høyrearmen og får slept meg i sikkerhet. Fy faen det var nære på.

Jeg er knapt nok på beina igjen før jeg får øye på tre agenter fra OAS. En kvinne og to menn.

De stopper på trappeavsatsen nedenfor meg. Jeg kjenner konsekvensene hvis jeg blir tatt. Jeg er livredd og løper alt jeg kan videre oppover.

Så skifter scenen. Plutselig befinner jeg meg utenfor på en stor åpen mark. Jeg snur meg. Mennene kommer stadig nærmere. Kvinnen cirka 50 meter bak dem. Jeg hører flere høye røster lenger fremme. Og jeg kan skimte et nettinggjerde med piggtråd. Det ser ut som en liten forlatt militærbase. Litt nærmere ser jeg at det er en treningsleir for politiet. I neste øyeblikk befinner jeg meg på innsiden og roper desperat etter hjelp. Fire rekrutter i treningstøy kommer løpende bort til meg. Jeg peker på de to mennene og kvinnen som nå står rett på utsiden av gjerdet. Jeg ber om hjelp og tror jeg er trygg her.

En av rekruttene går bort og snakker med dem. To minutter senere åpnes porten og OAS-agentene kommer gående mot oss. Rakryggede og autoritære, som om de har et viktig ærend. Alltid overbevisende. Mennene håndhilser, mens den sjarmerende OAS-kvinnen tar tak i meg og smiler til de kommende politibetjentene. Jeg føres bort. Igjen.

Skal det aldri ta slutt?