Some days I closed my eyes praying that God would give me cancer and that it would be too advanced to survive when doctors found out. Now, I’m happy that wish didn’t come true. Just because I have a smile on my face doesn’t mean my life is easy. Not all wounds are visible. I am recovering from my life’s worst nightmare.
It is important to allow yourself to be happy during your PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Syndrome) recovery. Staying in bed, exhausted, in pain and in darkness won’t help in the long run. Getting enough sleep, eating healthy food and staying hydrated is beneficial.
Wanted Dead or Alive? Stolen dreams
I was a roadkill after leaving both the Church of Scientology and an abusive relationship.
I couldn’t be alone for more than a few hours. Living in fear. My life was a war zone. I was so scared. My pulse were like a sprinter’s when I saw the mailman. I couldn’t open mail for 4 years! Imagine. I didn’t even empty my mailbox. I jumped when my phone rang. When checking my emails, which I seldom did (now you know why you didn’t get any response from me), I held one hand on the computer screen gradually revealing one and one email to avoid a total breakdown if I accidently got a glimpse of too many “bad” emails.
If someone passing me on the street raised his voice, I started to cry. It instantly reminded me of being screamed at. I was shaky. Fragile. I struggled to regain stability.
I experienced 4–6 panic attacks a day. I was more dead than alive. Some days I closed my eyes praying that God would give me cancer and that it would be too advanced to survive when doctors found out. I wanted to just disappear. I had a hard time trying to find any reason to stay alive. I had already lost everything. Scientology had stolen my dreams and my future.
Finding true love
Before I met my love, Geir Isene, in November 2012, I had to fight this battle alone.
When inside Scientology you are not allowed to seek professional help outside the church. It was a mental prison. You have no one to talk to. Unless you pay thousands of dollars to get counseling. It took me almost 4 years to regain enough strength to leave both the Church of Scientology and an abusive relationship. When I realized I would probably die of a stroke or a heart attack if I stayed any longer, I finally managed to leave.
I’ve had lots of pain in my body. Some mornings the pain in my ankles was so severe I could hardly walk out to the bathroom. My wrist joints “burned” so much I had trouble falling asleep. Once sleeping, flash backs of painful incidents I had experienced kept haunting me. Normal painkillers couldn’t stop the pain in my joints. I had headaches every day. And migraines every second week lasting 2-4 days. My life was a nightmare!
I stayed isolated. Meeting old friends was too hard. I just wanted to be alone. People would ask me how I felt and I would start to cry.
No one is cult proof
I consider myself to be highly intelligent, strong, tough and a rebel. I could never imagine anything like this would happen to me. But it did. Mind control is powerful and destructive. When I look at the amount of abuse I suffered, both mentally and physically, it’s hard for me to understand I’m still alive.
Now, I have progressed a lot during the last six months.
Stay focused. Don’t derail. By gradually confronting your past you will regain energy and power. Step by step, in your own pace. Don’t give up. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. What is helping me the most is reading stories of others who have experiences the same, and to share my own. Writing down my memories have helped me tremendously.
Connect with people of good will. There are many people speaking out. And there are brave souls out there fighting PTSD. Here are links to two non-veterans sharing their stories: Timoria McQuees (links to a post I made on her Facebook wall) and Michele Rosenthal (the author of the book – Before the world intruded – one woman’s quest to triumph over trauma.)
The US trip
A couple of weeks ago I had the privilege to join my love, Geir Isene and his business partner, Brendan Martin to an interesting and intense trip to the US. You can see a visual summary of our trip here at Geir’s blog.
It was so beneficial to get out of the “mess” for a short while. Despite that I was pumped with antibiotics and painkillers, I enjoyed every second. I had no muscle or joint pains during this trip. What a pleasure! Mentally I felt great.
Meeting lots of amazing people and seeing amazing places. It was my first time in the US and I fell in love with this diverse country. I’ll write some blog posts detailing our trip soon.
Go visiting new places, seeing new stuff and meeting new people. It’s a great prescription!
Creating a safe island
In any recovery the most vital ingredient is to feel safe!
My dearest love, Geir Isene, has given me a safe haven. A place to cry out. A place to recover. Far away from the insanity that is practiced by the Church of Scientology.
We share unconditional love and respect. I’m forever thankful our roads crossed.
Now, I’m safe. I’m moving on with my life. ❤